Mowing and thinking

I cranked up the engine of the old church lawn tractor, shoved it in gear and pulled away from the storage shed.  I usually ask myself about this time, "Why do I do this?"  I don't really know why, but I feel better by donating a couple of hours a week to the church across the summer months.  The high engine noise  produced by the lawn tractor combined with a noise dampening headset pretty much closes the rest of the world off and I think of many things.

I continue to be bothered by the death of Robin Williams.  The comedic genius took his own life last week and now with sadness we must say goodbye to an immense talent of my generation.  Worse, It was made known that he had suffered with substance abuse, bipolar disorder, probably depression and finally Parkinson's.

Depression.  A word that came up when Robin William's wife revealed that he had recently been diagnosed with Parkinson's.  Depression is linked with Parkinson's biochemically and the same pathways that produce dopamine are also associated with the production of serotonin. Serotonin is a chemical that is known to be essential to the maintenance of mood and prevention of depression.  The Fox Foundation has stated that in many people depression may precede Parkinson's movement symptoms for as long as 10 years.

I turned the tractor while fighting the very stiff steering of the old lawn tractor and started up the mowing line again. Depression is linked with suicide.  It is very important to know that it is something an individual cannot simply turn on or off.  Drug treatment can be helpful and may work along side Parkinson's meds.  I personally had to overcome a large bias against drug treatment it in order to say this.  For a long time I had thought that the drugs for depression were simply overused.  

The sun and summer warmth that accompanies it began to beat down on me and I broke out in a sweat as I jounced along, still mowing.  Identifying and treating depression should be a high priority in Parkinson's management.   The probing questions have come up for me in the neurologist's office and also in each of the research studies I participate in. These questions are aimed at identifying a pattern of down turned mood that has lasted without relief for at least two weeks.  

I made another turn with the tractor and this time was greeted by a breeze that pushed dust and clippings back on my face.  I thought of a difficult period in my life when I was still working when my wife was out of town and I felt isolated.Without her. I was clearly in danger of stumbling while feeling weighted down with many issues of my life.  I went for a walk and somewhere along the trail I began to think of suicide as a way out.  The seriousness of what I was thinking about shocked and troubled me when I thought of how many that might hurt.  I am thankful  that I was able to put the thoughts aside.

Robin Williams co starred with Robert De Niro in one of my favorite movies, Awakenings. The 1990 movie was based on the work of Dr. Oliver Sacks.  Dr. Sacks used L Dopa or dopamine in the 1960s to treat victims of encephalitis lethargica(A tragic group of patients from a 1917-1928 epidemic).  A condition that may result in a coma like, catatonic state that also may create Parkinson's related symptoms and can respond to dopamine for short periods of time. 

I finished my last round of mowing and I wheeled the mower in front of the storage shed where I fuel and prepare it for next weeks work.  I glanced up at the parking lot and could see Carolyn's image in the truck as she waits for me.  What would I do without her?  The drugs and tremors keep me away from driving and so she waits.

Shaky